well, here we are. Do ever sit down for a moment and wonder how you ever got where you are? Today was my last day as a full-time commuter office worker, for this summer at least. Somehow I made it. It has definately been a summer unlike anything I have ever experienced; exptremely exhilarating, stressful, confusing, testing a great deal of the time. But i don't think i will ever have a doubt in my mind that God uses those hard times in our lives to push us farther than we ever could have imagined. I feel like such a different person. So different.

Last week I spent an evening of reflection with some good friends of mine and it was so encouraging, so clarifying to see who I am now and where I am going as that person. ONe thing that they said to me was that last year about this time, I was confident in me, but this year I am secure in Christ. What an immense compliment. What a strengthening thing to know about yourself. and I don't write that so you all can see what an amazing person I am but so I can see what an amazing thing God has done in my life and a great way to view the way I am going forward.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this post. I don't know if i really have anything theologically profound to say, but then again, do i ever? Do I really want to? I mean, all i have to say is what I have in my own life-- other than these experiences, I am bankrupt and empty. And all of this is just a gift of grace.

I have been faced with some questions about identity even in the past few days. My job is telling people how to pay for college (basically), and there are just days when I feel so unqualified, so much like I just gave someone some information that just might result in an angry call in the next few days when what I say doesn't come true. And i've had to face the fact that even if I screw up the life of every student I talk to (not that I intend on doing so, but lets just talk extremes for a minute), who I am is still hidden in Christ. I am still something important to God, still held in his arms.

This past week, I have searched the word and come up without much that I can say really pertains to my circumstances, but I think sometimes God just throws random stuff at us so that we don't find our security even in our ability to find profound stuff in his word. Not that I don't think that what God has given to us in his word isn't mind blowing, God wants our interest to just be in him, not all the other stuff that gives us reason to take the glory or keeps us from being totally taken in by HIM. And so I am learning that even though God is silent, that things don't really seem to be making sense and I have no huge revelations, God is there and that is revelation enough. I can't trust in these spiritual highs, these "woah" moments becuase they just aren't always going to be there, but Abba is. Abba is always there, even when I don't really feel like it.

I think i have been in a pretty restless state in the past couple of days, maybe even weeks. it was killing me today to make it through the work day. So easy to roll my eyes at the idiots that call into work. So easy to get caught up in my impatience with people who just don't get it because i think maybe i've been somewhere else. I've been concerned about how i look to my coworkers, how I come across to the students and parents on the phone. ANd i've wondered how I can find my worth in those things... and i just can't. I've wondered how people I am going to meet are going to percieve me, who I should be in order to "make an impact." whatever that means.

I think i am getting tired of this lie that i need to be someone different than the Heidi God made me to be. I love this quote from Rob Bell that says, "Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God made you to be. To be about anything else is sin." I love it. I just want to pursue God's blueprint for my life... why is that so hard sometimes?

ANyway, this post is really scattered, but you have a real glimpse of my life right now. So scattered. I am trying to find something to focus on in this spinning world around me. As I write this last part, i am afriad all of this is contradictory, but i think its more a picture of the process. who knows.

I think i'm just really excited, in such anticipation and i so badly just want to share that with someone. We are so made for sharing. I am made for such sharing. So, there you all are, whoever you are. whoever is reading all this radomidity. thats right. radomidity. thanks for walking this journey with me... more to come when things are maybe more clear and i feel less restless, less like screaming, less like bursting.