So tonight the ride toward a little more healing begins. I don't think there has ever been a prayer God has answered more vividly than my prayer for healing in my family. It seems that every time the issue comes up, something huge happens. Such a strange reoccuring thing.
So tonight I am embarking on a road that I have been avoiding for some time now. The eggshells have broken and I am pursuing a healing in the relationship with my sister. I will spare you the gory details for her sake, but I'll just say that today has borne its share of clarification and revelation. For possibly the first time, I am realizing that this a realtionship of lies, of fake smiles to hide the boiling pot of pain underneath. And I can take no more. I want honesty. I want to be able to have a real, healthy relationship with my sister, whom i can honestly say I love dearly, but have been bruised deeply by. And I have done my share of bruising as well. I want to stop skating around the steaming pile of sludge and just dive in once and for all... no more gloss, no more avoiding. I AM FACING THIS. I must. We must.
So tonight i wrote a relatively short letter considering my caliber of winded-ness, initiating the beginning of this road full of snares and briars. I don't know what exactly even the next day will hold, how things will pan out, but all i can do is trust that God is faithful, that he will lead me toward the wholeness and healing he desires for my soul. I believe that if he says in his word that he is One, he would want the same healing for me, this is the end result. So this is what I seek.
Earlier tonight as i was seeking God on this hard thing, I wondered if I would really even be able to write this letter in love, that I could honestly say that I was seeking this in right motives, but tonight, i know that even God is faithful in this. I have so much peace, a few questions, but simply the freedom to say that what I am seeking here is healing. I am seeking a relationship that is somehting more than false illusions-- i am seeking the real thing.
So please pray for me tonight, in these next few days as this progresses. I have no idea where this is leading, but i do know who is doing the leading. Pray against discouragement and lies. And pray that I will find this healing and wholeness that I seek for both me and my sister.... love is a strange thing.
Lord God, thank you for leading. Thank you for holding my hand, for a family to love and to be loved by. Thank you that you do not desire for me this pain, but the place where I can look back on this time and be so joyful in just knowing i am no longer here. You know our hearts, Abba, you know everything that is going to take place in just even the next few moments. So Lord God, I trust you. I am choosing to follow here. So Lord God, all i can ask is that you continue to carry me through. I need you now, I need your strength to face myself with honesty, to face not only my wrong here but also your grace and in honestly not to take the blame for the things that i cannot change. Thank you for a person who has been here, who knows what it is like and who can continually encourage and share your truth with my sould when i just don't know what questions to ask. Thank you for answered prayer, even amid the pain that these answers bring.
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