On My Own!!

So I am officially on my own at work.. and that is such a good thing. I am out of training, done observing calls, done answering phones under the supervision of a regular fin aid advisor, and no longer buddied up with another employee. In less words, I can now officially do the job i was hired to do. I'm all on my own!!

What a great feeling. And what an amazing God i have as a daddy who makes the impossible possible. I blogged a few months ago about feeling small and lost, overwhelmed at the prospect of the thing i may someday be but am not yet. Today I feel big, not in a cocky or overweight way, but i feel adequate. I feel like I have been gifted with the ability to accomplish what has been given me as a very daunting challenge. When my Abba said, "You can do it. I wouldn't have called you if you couldn't do it," now I believe him. I remember thinking those first few weeks of working this insane job, how will I even be there? How will i ever accomplish this huge task, how will i keep from letting these people down? Am I really enough? I am just this little girl, this lost little High School graduate. One day I was at the very top and the next day i found myself smaller than i have ever felt... maybe.

So today as i drove home, I was just so rejoicing, so happy, so grateful. Tonight I feel very passionate, but not sure where to place all that passion. I am here, home alone, friday night, no one to really share all of this with. i just want to share myself, share all this stuff that God has placed in my hands.

As I drove home, as I have thought multiple times, what a blessing my beautiful job is, what a beautiful, hard summer this has been. If you want to call it a summer in the traditional sense. I still remember so clearly sitting late the night of my interview, swinging on the porch, crying beside my mom as i asked God why he would give me such a great job, but still in love also require it at such a high price. I guess now that is why he says, "Much is given, much is required." And i did offer my everything afterall.

And so I look back on this summer, and all i can say is, "Yeah, God, I guess you were right." Sitting back and sipping lemonade wasn't the way that you wanted to show me this year. this time you wanted a little more blood and sweat. As i stand back and reflect, its like enjoying the burn of a good challenge, enjoying the rhythm of the work now that the rhythm has been established.

So where am i going with all of this? I do not know. its funny how you begin something huge, wondering why exactly you are pursuing it, wondering even more how you shall ever climb this gigantic mountain to see the vista at the top. And then little by little you find yourself gaining ground, little by little, as if someone were driving and you were enjoying the ride, enduring the bumps at times. I never had to climb alone. there was never a time when i could not come home from work and not find my Abba. unfortunately, i think there were days when i choose not to really pour out my tears of toil and hardship upon him, but even then he was there every morning, he took the walk with me around campus and lunch and he showed himself faithful yet again today.

There have been many weeks this summer when i wondered if i would ever find stability between discouragement and extacy, flipping between days of wonder and days of extreme dissappointment, wondering if i would ever make it to this place, to being on my own. But overall, I am still alive. This crazy hills and mountains of feelings are sometimes difficult, but i thik they also exercise the faith just as taking a good run sets the blood to flowing.

So tonight i have this passion. Do you ever have so much passion that you feel like you are choking on it all? like there is something you need to get out but no way to get it out... just to shout but no one hear it....

maybe its just a tad bit of loneliness..


Abba God, you are here. You are here to hear my shouts of joy, my cries of anguish. You have made me as one who experiences this joy, this excitement, and maybe you are really the only one who can really understand this thing that surges through me. Not even i understand it all. But Lord God, my Abba, the one who I call to, thank you for all you have done in me, all this stuff of life that you have just placed around me. Thank you for the pain, the sacrifice, all the lessons you have taught me through this extreme experience this summer. Thank you for the people that you have placed at SFS, this group of people that you only could have assembled, people so nice that there is no person you should be afriad to call. Thank you for placing me at CSU. Lord God, I fought you so hard. I fought with all my might. I tried to manipulate your word, cooerce you into wanting my desires. But you love me way too much to let me do what i want. Who am I to deserve your hand upon my life, your hand upon my heart. Who am i to reap the benefits of your all-knowing power, be so totally immersed in your un-dying love. why me?

So many things that I do not deserve. Time after time you replaced my will with your own. So many times i asked you why, wanted to hit you fist after fist, demanding you falter. But you would never budge. you were this big, unmoveable presence, the light that i just could not ignore. So here i am today. Who would have thought a year ago that i would be anywhere near this place, praising you this way, being this person. How you have deepened me, how you have increased who I am by at least a mile think, bound me a little tighter to your freedom, to your love. You truly are my first love, how could i go to anyone but you? Where would i be without you? Who would i be? And to think that you have made me to be a person even deeper, even more complicated than all this? You have made me in such a beautiful way that even i don't understand all that you have made me. I can't wait to plunge into these next few months to find a little more who this person is.... Abba, My God, thank you does not even begin to express... to think about your presence in me, your walking beside me, in me, through me, before and behind, how could i live any other way? There is no place i want to go without you.