I realized something today. Or maybe remembered. Either way. I realized that I really don't have to be super girl and I don't have to have everything figured out. I don't have to be the one who knows everything. And I don't have to be a giant tower of faith. It is actually okay for me just to be the little kid that I am. I mean, that is what I am.

This morning I almost lost my mind in frieght over something that was resolved within about half an hour. It was something that would have been a great way for me to calmly express some extremely devout faith. haha. too bad i didin't. I can get really upset very quickly. Not like I have a short temper, so fear my wrath, but my emotions swing like giant pendulums and I struggle to stop for minute and recalculate.

And I just got home after sorting it all out and thought to myself, "Heidi, why did you freak out so much? I mean really?" I felt silly for sitting down in the kitchen chair nearly hypervenalating. Why did it matter so much?

The point-- God isn't upset when I freak out. I mean, yes, my quality of life might be better if my emotions didn't pull me along like a mad bull, but it isn't the end of my spiritual life if I freak out now and then. It's okay.

I feel like I've been holding my breath for for a while. Saving money. Being good. Doing my homework. Not wasting gas. keeping my room and my nose clean. As I've been thinking about Christmas and trying to come up with answers to the question of what I would like for my mom and dad to get me and so on, I realize I just want something to help me relax. I want something that I haven't been allowed to buy for myself all semester. Not neccessarily in a materialistic way, but just in a relieveing sort of way. Like I don't have to calculate what I can afford or deserve anymore.

So I didn't have much faith today. Or any. And you know what? I think that is okay. I mean, I hope it is okay. I wonder if God had been happier with me if I had just been able to say, "Abba, I am scared right now of loosing this thing that is sort of out of my hands and I'm struggling to trust you with it." I think it is a lot more natural for me to just try really hard to squeeze out the state of heart I know I am supposed to have rather than putting what my heart is really like in his hand and letting him mold it. Why don't I just go to him like my daddy, who knows and loves me and understands, rather than the banker who is couting coins? it's easy to forget.

So I'm just a little kid today. and that's okay.