So appearantly the habbits from the semester have stuck as much as I like it or not. It is 7:07 in the morning and I am awake. The day I was so pleased that I wouldn't have to get up early to work on a paper. Here, I am, awake, when I don' thave class for three hours. Ah class. The last two of this semester.

The semseter. So here we are. So this is what it is like. Over. The times that I have a paused in reflection lately, trying to pin down something to say about this semester to define it, the only thing that I could really come up with was the fact that it is so different. It is a semester like none before. It has been my first semester really living on my own (which is wonderful, by the way). My first semester really getting into my major. Relationships that I woudn't have predicted or picked for myself. A semester that I can actually see the ways that I have grown. I when I say see, i mean that literally. I feel like I have started building realtionships with professors and I have gotten over a lot of fears in that area. I have become a better writer and definately have learned to love reading and writing even more than I did before. I have been inspired by instructors who love what they do,have grown fond of teaching and making art over many many years. I have loved my instructors this semester becuase they have not been afraid just to be passionate about their field and they demand the same kind of passion. I hope I have lived up to their expecations-- i think i have.

Learning. I love learning. I love the challenge. Ok, sometimes I hate it. But I love it at the same time. I remember right at the beginning of the semester, my painting professor said, "Make friends with fear and frustration, for they will always be with you." Later, at the artist lecture that Jenninfer McGlaughlin gave, she said that only true paintings come from difficulty and struggle. A few weeks ago, in my painting class again, my instructor was talking to someone about how painting is, saying"To be a painter you have to love the struggle." She has said to me on many occassions that I am a natural painter (an immense compliment, of which I am extremely honored and humbled) and the juxtaposition of those two statements have forced me to ask myself, "Do I love the struggle? Do I love the process of finding in the making?" I think so. I think this semester has definately taught me to love that process more than before. I think I never realized how much there was to see until I have been shown this semester. There is a lot to see and so there is a lot to make. It is very exciting, but also quite demanding. It demands bravery.

I am finding myself in the midst of this Chrimstas season mulling over that part in the Christmas story where it keeps repeating, "And Mary treasured up all of these things and pondered them in her heart." Somehow I feel like I can identify with Mary more this year. As I walk around campus throughout my day, I find little things that i treasure up in my heart and ponder, especially as the semester's end approaches. Little things that I love, that I want to hold on to. People i see and savor the passing hi as we rush across campus. there is just something about that that I can see her experiencing all of these little moments, holding on to them, but not really sure what they mean.

In the same breath, I have felt a little like I have wanted to hold back to things, or hold on to some areas as the semester has ended and that is hard. I don't know what to do with goodbyes that mean I may never see you again. That is hard for me. I have some regrets about the fact that not only did I not really meet very many new people this semester, but I hardly saw the people I already know. AndI don't know what to do with that. I have this sort of humming pain at the center of my chest from that. Like there are these people that I used to be connected to, and I long to still be connected to, but I am tired of trying to reach out for them between the cracks of our busy schedules. Its like it just hasn't happened and I'm not all that sure why outside of how busy we are and our random assemblage of friendships is unsustainable in such a system as we opperate. I don't know. But I think I am having a hard time thinking that I am leaving, going farther away, realizing the arm between the planks of the fence is gonig to be stretched further or else maybe that part of me might just fade away. And I don't know what to do with that. It just hurts like a continual pressure at the center of my chest. I'm not sure what to do with it, so it just stays there, akward. I just feel grieved, but crippled, that those friendships are just passing. Like I know where they live, but i'm too busy or they're too busy and... I don't know. Something just gets left.

I think I'm struggling with the idea of leaving that sort of just hanging there. Will they think of me to say goodbye? Or will it just fall off. Its like this impossible dream, just out of reach. I don't know. I think with my professors, I hope that I can see them again, have them as mentors in the future and i fear that they will be gone when I get back. And I realize that is sort of irrational, but nevertheless, it must be my loyal spirit cying out insdie of me, like a child trapped inside.

Someday maybe I will know what to do with that.

But alas, it is the last day of the semester. Not only do I usually enjoy my short fridays, today I think I will more than ever. A few weeks ago, at the start of this holiday season, I was just thinking about what Christmas means, why we go through this whole ordeal, in the midst of this tired old controversy about who gets to lay claim to the season-- the pagans or the holy ones. And I just sort of realized it is a time so important to everyone becuase it is this whole month that we take just to celebrate. We celebrate the fact that we made it through the year alive. It is a time that we spend with family becuase once again we have journeyed with them in some capacity and want to share this celebration with them too. I think the fact that God sent his Redemption Son only adds to the celebration. It is sort of a way of remembering that even though the year has been long and full and hard in some parts, God is continually giving us a clean slate. Its like we are reflecting on what our lives have been and are given the opportuninty to revel in and embrace the idea that God is giving us a new year. All the things that I regret, all the things that just went wrong, all the mistakes I made in 2006 are behind us now-- he has sent his Son so that we may truly have a new year. And I think that is beautiful.

So as I embark on the glory of my month-long break, I am just looking forward to celebrating. Celebrating the air i breathe again (since it seems that I have forgotten to do that for a few weeks). Celebrating the friends and family that I have around me who love me deeply and dearly, even when I struggle to express my return of affection. Celebrate how I have learned. Celebrate my love for art-making and maybe take some time to do that for myself. Simply celebrate the fact that I can just do nothing for a while. That I can sleep in and then go through the day and just be. That will be refreshing. To know that today I hand over my ball and chains in a little yellow folder and a big cardboard portfolio-- for tomorrow there is at last nothing due.