restless

"Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Insecure. I have a had a couple of people reminding me lately that that is where i am. I think i have to agree. I just feel restless. I'm ticked because we are supposed to get two more feet of snow on top of the two feet we got last week, which means I am just here at my parents' house until things clear up. I'm just struggling a little.

I am realizing that this place I am in at the moment is extremely hard. My heart is being pushed to its limits and I'm feeling confused about why I'm not feeling like super-human or something. I'm like, why do I keep on falling? Why can't I just pull it together to have the faith that i need? I don't feel like trusting right now. I'm tired of having faith. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of telling myself just to sit by and watch. I'm not sure how much of that I can handle. Seriously. Peace isn't really something I am familiar with and I'm not exactly seeking it. ANd you know, I think that maybe that is okay. Like this "peace" that I think i'm supposed to have is really just denying how things really are. Acting like I am super-christian-girl when I'm killing everything inside of me.

I don't really want to be a "good person" right now, or whatever you want to call it. I don't want to be good at anything and I'm tired of trying to hold it together. I feel like this week the word "hate" has crossed my mind more than ever or maybe more than I would like to claim. But it has been hard. Being home is extremely hard and finding relief is harder. So this morning, I was reminded in the midst of passage of "do not worry"s, each day really has enough trouble of its own. Trying to take on all the world and all time is futile. Or at least unfair to my frail little body.

So, I suppose this seems a bit moody (to me anyway), but I need to start owning up to some things in myself. I'm sucking. I'm stumbling and falling and I'm tired of trying to be a good girl full of grace and trust. I am a girl who is restless. I'm a girl who needs to ruthlessly know that the faithful thing isn't always just to roll over. Its just being where I am and that is being uncertain.