"I will... make the rough places smooth."

Vulnerability. Funny how when you ask God a question and take just a minute to listen, he actually answers. This morning I woke up in a strange sort of unhappy mood. You know what i mean? like you just aren't sure what to do with yourself, but whatever it is, it all seems unpleasant?

And so I sat down with the old journal in attempt to work it all out and recived an answer that i already knew but had been avoiding. I realize a lot of the reason that I have regrets about this semester and that I am unhappy with the way that my life is or the reason that I often just feel short of breath and akward is becuase I've been maintaining a hard shell around my heart. I try to act like i'm past that or that I don't really struggle with it, but its a lie. A big one. I guess that sort of goes with the territory. I know I have said this often, but it is still true: I have a problem with fear. Ta-da. There you go.

So, I don't really have anything deep or profound to say except for I'm sorry to all of you who I have kept out of my heart. Sorry that I have kept you at arm's length and then blamed you for it. Sorry I've been acting like an imposter and a liar. How I long to love you like I really do on the inside. But it might take a while to chip away the shell.

Vulnerability, ironically enough, isn't something that you can master by yourself. I've been finding lately that in my moments of desperation that i crawl to the place of prayer, that Abba keeps on bringing up things that I can't fix myself. Shortcomings that are what they are. And this is one of them. This isn't something that I can just get over and fix. So please, just pray with me in this. I feel like this post is even akward and strange, but it is something that I need to put out there. A confession. A sign nailed to the wall. Here I am. A soft heart wrapped in a hard shell.