It's late and I'm too tired to sleep. Exhausted from questions and pressures and ringing phones and unfamiliar places. Familiar faces that feel so very distant. I've lost myself and I've forgotten. Keep forgetting that things are not the same, that everything has changed and it has been a long long time. Boundaries. Saying no comes so easy, flowing out. It feels as if the world is spinning. Everything looks the same but feels so eternally different. I want to hide, run to safety. Just one little warm familiar spot. I don't trust you. I need you more than ever and for once I realize I can't trust you. None of you. Mood-shifting, mind-changing anger. Never safe. Never generous. Always shifting. I've given up on love. Stopped pretending and stopped trying to be understanding. I don't trust you. I need you more than ever but you aren't to be trusted, you shifting sand, rolling, crushing boulder. Never a smile, always a broken heart. You heart crusher. Self-absorbed. You scoff at the very things I love, spend my life on. Big deal. Big deal. Heartless. I'd like to say you abandoned, but you've just left me alone one more time. Abandonment requires prior presence. The bleeding won't stop, leaving me weak and dilerious. I'm lost. There's not place like home and I wonder what that means. There is no place. No place of safety. Please leave me alone. A slap in the face. A demand in a flash of anger. You're selfish, never seeing. All about you. always about you. You child. A slap in the face. A punch in the gut. how could you be so childish? please don't come. I don't want your help. It is no help to me. Only pain and guilt. Shame and despair. You cheat me out of what is my due. You take it for yourself. Gorging yourself, stuffed, never appreciating. And I'll be never trusting. It's not my fault. I'm not to blame. You wear the T-shirt, you wear the lie. What sort of twisted falsehood are you believing? How dare you? How dare you? How am I to navigate? To where can I escape? You are coming-- coming for me and I don't trust you. You shifting sands. I love you you say. What the hell does that mean? What the hell does that even mean to you? for me? I'm not sure I believe it anymore. You all look foreign, you shifting faces. I see through you to your delusion. I just want to sleep. But all is spinning and there is no place like home. Everything is different and cold and scary, the shadows making demon faces on the walls. The mess that covers the floor and the desk and the table and the bed gets mixed up in the mess that is my spirit and it all melds together. I think there is no place like home and I'll be never trusting.