What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his own soul? -Jesus

"What good will it be...?" I've been thinking a lot about values, about responsibility, about decisions and rights and obligations. I've been offered a job and I've chosen not to accept it. It is a good job, very secure, quite logical and nearly honorable to have "earned" it. But something deep in my guts wants to flee from it-- something even deeper than my brain that says, "paycheck, dummy." But I can't stop thinking about this thing that Jesus says: how good can it really be if you get all the stuff you've every wanted, if you have the capability to horde and gain and buy if you are numb to the living spirit within you, if you aren't living the life I gave you to live. How insulting it must be to Jesus when we refuse to live the life he tells us he came to bring: life to the full.

I have been in agony over this job decision: it is so tempting to give in to the prospect of having income, to be self-sufficient again and to stop having to really rely on the Father for tomorrow's bread. Most people I talk to say that I ought to take the job-- it has been offered (sort of), after all. However, it seems to be often overlooked that when we go in for an interview, we as employees are interviewing the employer just as much-- and as far as I am concerned, this employer did not interview well. Do I have a right to say that? I mean, I am really at their mercy or do I have a right to rule things out that feel a bit like forfeiting my own soul.

I've been attracted a lot to this line: "The earth is the Lord's for he made it." And I have to believe then, that he is in control of what happens to me tomorrow, he is the one that is over me, not some arbitrary business owner that would like to have me as an employee. I am only at the mercy of One-- and he is full of compassion and mercy. If the earth is the Lord's then so is my life. He holds it in his hand, he carves the way and knows.

To mine and most people's standards that I know, my choice to turn down this job seems a bit irresponsible. But I can't help but sink my teeth into this gut feeling that it isn't right-- that God, the Father who loves to give good gifts to his children, doesn't always provide via the raw deal. Yes, given, at times he does call us to places of hurt and difficulty-- he calls us into the desert, but there is something to hearing his voice when he says, "this is not it."

To be truthful, I go through a lot of my day questioning, fearing... what if this is it and I let it go by? Will he be faithful to provide in my leap? Will He respond in mercy to my need if I choose to trust that he wasn't lying when he said he would provide in accordance with his goodness?

I was talking to a friend a few days about this and she said to me, "you know, people are always expecting students just to squeak by on things that just suck and wait until their real life gets going to do what they enjoy, but there is no reason that you should not pursue the things that you really care about now." I really appreciated that becuase I think so often we walk around living these martyr lives, thinking we must be miserable in order to be the really good Christ-followers, while at the same time wondering why we have no joy. Now please do not get me wrong-- by no means am I advocating this idea that is quite popular saying that God promises health and wealth. What I am saying is that God calls us first to live the lives he has created us to live-- good lives. Jesus says we ought to give to Caesar what is Caesar's and the Lord what is his-- he is not confined or even concerned with our monetary security. He is concerned with the state of our hearts.

I often fear in my multiple job-related woes that people will look at me and say I am being too picky and I am not willing to take any job if I need one so badly, but I think there is something to refusing to inflict self-abuse by way of employment. I just get this sense that heart must come before paycheck and God will honor that. And maybe when I get older and wiser I'll see that just isn't the case, but for the moment, my journey has led me there.

I just get this sense that the things you choose to surround yourself with shape who you become. I was thinking back tonight on jobs and influences I have had in my life that have spurred me on to safety, security, away from risks and the discoveries that unknown brings and I just don't want to go back there. I don't want to live in stagnant safety any longer. I just don't want to. I think it would be harmful for me to do so.

So, I am wrestling. I feel a little bit like Prince Wesley in "The Princess Bride" when he is in the fire swamp, wrestling that huge, matted rat-like monstrosity, with the cheesy fur and blood bringing up all sorts of diseased imagery. Am I being wise or am I really the idiot I feel like I am? Something in me, the muscle down deep in the wrestling arm is telling me to be brave, to continue to trust, to Jump and so something about that is freeing-- it helps me feel the breeze rushing past my arms and face and hair. Freedom. Must fight for freedom. This is all I know. ( and I think I could be wrong).

Anyway, I'll leave you with this to think about: