Let nothing keep you from loving

As I find myself reentering life here, where I was before, these past few days have been filled with thoughts and fears and questions regarding the appearance of my life. Not how do I look to other people, but the question of "truly, what is the composition of my current life" followed by, "Where am I going from here?"

In the past few days, I've read over some old journal entries from a few months ago in anticipation of this very moment. I wrote things like, "I want my life to be about something bigger-- I want my life to be about love and relationships."

I've had some time to think about the friendships that I have here and have grieved their frailty. Part of me is tempted to fear, to be ashamed at the realiztion my apparent social awkwardness (and seeming inadequacy, I might add) up to this point. I am tempted to be discouraged and give into the little voice that whispers this is your fault and you'll be stuck in this endless cycle of impossible friendships forever. You'll never find the intimacy and companionship that you seek.

But as I look back on the last seven months, I know the truth of these fears can only be impossible. I replay videos of myself making new friends when I thought it impossible. I replay videos of myself walking up to people and introducing myself, genuinely caring for their hearts. I replay conversations in which I was encouraged to put my full weight into the trust of my own capabilities for loving.

As I face the semester before me, look out my window and see other students walk by, I have this overwhelming sense that I want things to be different this time. I'm getting a second chance, a do-over. I am so glad that I took the time to press the pause button so as to not let these moments pass me by. (Part of me wonders and hopes that I didn't press play too soon, but i suppose there is always grace for that and second chances). So here I am, wondering if the person inside has changed enough to affect the outside.

As I look back on the past seven months, I see a great leap toward finding the freedom to love. The more I think about it, the more I think this is the freedom I have been seeking for a long time. The power over the very walls I put up, the break from the shame that keeps me from being honest about the delight I find in life and other people. And I can't help but think that life is only life when we live it in love. Life is first and formost about love and enjoyment. We were created for the purpose of delight.

So my battle cry, the march that I take forward with me as I embark on this new journey is the challenge to myself to let nothing keep me from loving. To pursue intimacy, to risk vulnerability, to be honest about the love that I keep locked inside so much. To stop hiding and begin loving. I think that is enough to keep me busy for a good long time.